6. Diary Entry 3: Hating myself
I'm deciding today that I don't like myself. I wish I weren't me. And it's a shame that this is something I made in all these years, and that this, just this was perhaps the best I could come up with. Me. I don't like Me at all.
How does one get rid of bitterness? Of mild pangs of hate? Against one's own self?
Why is this happening to my life? I know I'm not the best of persons. But am I so bad? Or do I just happen to be so weak that back biters just thrive around me? I cant believe that today, for the first time, I don't want to be myself. It was never this way. All along, no matter how bad I goofed up, I always liked, loved myself. I never wished I wasn't me. That was one constant thing, always had been. Now, it's terrible to look inside and discover that I'm rejecting myself. I don't want to be better, as improvement can take care of that. I want to be different, altered, separated from what I am now. I want to be selfish, ruthless, heartless. I want to be what they have been to me. I'm just tired of being at the receiving end of nastiness every time.
I've had enough. Wish I could die and begin all over again. But it's such a shame to waste all these years. But I swear, I'm tempted. I really am.
I wish I was stronger, so I could take it better. Just shrug it off, curse it off. Instead I cry, I call up people and I moan. Why am I so fucking weak? And the king of all complains: why God, why me??
to be continued...
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